As I heard that song 'Viva La Vida' by the British band Hotwork for the 2431212th time today on the radio, I did something different for once. Rather than change the station, I stayed intent on actually listening to the lyrics of those foreign bastards.
If I may take a minute to detour, I feel the genius of bands such as Hotwork is their ability to create this facade to the public that their songs have some intricate and deep meaning with cute Biblical references and odd fragments, when in reality their music is incredibly simple to understand, thereby causing the listener to feel like he or she has just translated this musical masterpiece and is on his or her way to becoming some type of guru. I merely mention this because after listening to 'Viva La Vida,' I could not help but think that I now fully understood its meaning.
In short, the song describes a man, a King (do we capitalize this?) of sorts, who after achieving a great success in his early life and building some type of empire, falls victim to this success and soon becomes hated by many (do you see where this is going?), and is forced to die alone with nothing. Now, Saint Peter for those of you who may not know, was one of the 12 or so Apostles of Jesus, who among other things is often said to have the keys to heaven. Returning to Hotwork's masterpiece, one can only conclude that the songs protagonist is about to or is already dead and will not receive a facebook invite into heaven, and thus will be sent down to a WNBA game, I mean hell, sorry.
If you've managed to stay with me for this long, and if I were you, I would have X'ed this window a while back, you may ask yourself who does self-righteous douchebag think
he is questioning the musical greatness of Hotwork and pretending like he actually knows something about the contents of the New Testament? Is it not bad enough that he does the same thing about something much more important, hockey? And speaking of hockey, what the fuck does any of this have to do with hockey, let alone Roenick?
BWHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
The beauty is that unknown to him at the time, Mr. Martin rather than writing just another moneymaking number one hit, actually wrote a song perfectly describing the career of one Jeremy Roenick.
Let's recap shall we. Roenick, like our protagonist, once had a career full of greatness and potential. Roenick, like our protagonist, gave to himself an undeserved sense of self worth. Roenick, like our protagonist, soon became hated by many and pushed into exile. Roenick, like our protagonist, finds himself on the outside of Hockey's heaven (the Hall of Fame), despite scoring the LAMEST 500th goal in the history of 500 goals as well as trying to steal the spotlight from the rest of the Sharks in their game 7 victory against Calgary. It is my hope that it is now evident that the lyrics of 'Viva La Vida' are actually describing the career of Jeremy Roenick, and that the song may very well be titled, 'Viva La Roenick.' Fuck it, let me try to re-write a verse, eh?
"I used to rule the rink
Fans would rise when I shot the puck
Now in the morning I skate alone
Sit on the bench that I no longer own"
Honestly, I could probably keep going, but am a little too inebriated to do so. So I'll conclude by giving a thank you and fuck you to the men of Hotwork, and remind everyone that Roenick is indeed still an asshole.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Mr. Friese
The Sharks are reportedly mulling it over as to whether or not it is good idea to invite Jeff Friesen to camp. Friesen played for San Jose for five (maybe six) seasons before being traded to Anaslime as part of a package for Teemu Selänne.
Friesen did not play in the NHL last season. In his last two seasons in which he played in the NHL, he amassed approximately twenty points in 120 games played. Friesen kinda blows. At this point hes nothing more than a 4th liner.
Why does this deserve it's own entry?
Friesen did not play in the NHL last season. In his last two seasons in which he played in the NHL, he amassed approximately twenty points in 120 games played. Friesen kinda blows. At this point hes nothing more than a 4th liner.
Why does this deserve it's own entry?
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Why the Sharks will never win it with Joe Thornton!
This simple song is the exact reason why unless something within his game changes, San Jose will never win a Cup with Thornton as its marquee player.
Monday, June 16, 2008
The Anti-Roenick Awards
Yes, ladies (who the fuck am I kidding?) and gentlemen, it is time for the first addition of the perhaps annual "Anti-Roenick Awards." As many of you may know, I hate Jeremy Roenick, thus these awards are meant to encapsulate all the qualities that Roenick lacks, and shall be awarded to the players who in the 2008 NHL Playoffs exhibited these Anti-Roenick Traits. Let us begin.
Left Wing: Henrik Zetterberg (Detroit Red Wings)
As you may know, Zäta won the Conn-Smyth trophy for playoff MVP, and he was absolutely the right choice. He is not only one of the top five forwards in the NHL, but he is the most well-rounded forward in the entire league. He excels in any situation on and off the ice. His intelligence, shot, vision, hustle, and intensity (just look at his fucking eyes) are the qualities for which every player should strive.
Center: Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh Penguins)
He is the most talented player in the NHL. Period. Some like to disparage him by labeling him as soft. Those people are dumbshits. When Sid's team was faltering against Detroit, Crosby raised his game even higher playing with a sense of ferocity that very few players in the NHL could duplicate (especially Roenick). Many also question his captaincy at such a young age. Wrong again. He's the leader on that team both on and off the ice. On the ice his skill speaks for itself, off the ice no player is forced to partake in more meaningless interviews and stupid marketing ploys than Crosby. He handles both situations like a stud. Make no mistake about it, he is and will be the best player in the NHL for the next ten years. He's 20 years old by the way.
Right Wing: Brenden Morrow (Dallas Stars)
Of all the players to be selected to the Anti-Roenick all-star team, this guy is my personal favorite. He's probably the least skilled (his career high for points in a season is only 74), but the dude is simply a bad ass. Is there a coincidence that once Dallas stripped the Captaincy from Mickey Modano and awarded it to the much younger and more charismatic Morrow that the collective play of the team improved? Nope. Morrow has gotta be considered one of the top three leaders in hockey along with Lidström and Iginla. He's the kind of player (who for all you that have played sports) whose fearless play on the ice inspires you to attempt to replicate it. He's the classic example of why good ol' Western Canadian boys are the ones who lead you to glory. All this talk about Morrow's leadership abilities, and I've yet to mention just how awesome of a power forward he has become. Morrow is the epitome of the modern day power forward. He has the skating, hitting, and fearlessness of a champ, and combined with his awesome fitness and drive he is an absolute force out there. Here's one of my favorite clips of 5'10" 200 lbs of Canadian bad-ass Morrow drilling 6'2" 225 lbs of Euro-pussy Michalek.
You just got knocked the fuck out!
Left Defenseman: Stéphane Robidas (Dallas Stars)
What is so great about the NHL playoffs among other things, is that unlike any other sport, an unexpected player can become a hero. There is no better example of this than Robidas. With the Boucher and Zubov out, Robidas raised his game to another level. Robidas amassed a rather pedestrian 26 points in 82 regular season game, yet nearly doubled that production by producing 11 points in 18 playoff contests. The offense was great, but Dallas always put Robidas out there against the other teams top stars--the Getzlafs, Thorntons, Zetterbergs, and Datsyuks of the world, and he still managed to play incredibly well. It was pleasure to watch him surprise the world in these playoffs.
Right defenseman: Nicklas Lidström (Detroit Red Wings)
Nicklas Erik Lidström was born in Västerås, Sweden, where it was reported that he had sex before his father did. Simply put, Lidström is God. In fact, perhaps the phrase should be reversed such that God is Lidström. Tall, blond, Swedish, God may even have created himself in Lidström's image. If you do not know who this man is, he is positively one of the top three defenseman to ever play in the NHL. He's Captain of the Anti-Roenick squad, he's arguably the best player in the NHL. In short, he has no flaws. If you don't believe a clown like myself, just ask his teammates who called Lidström, "The Perfect Player." Yes, Perfect. They are absolutely correct. No player controls a game like Nick. He is the key to everything the Red Wings do, whether it effortlessly controlling his own zone or making the perfect outlet pass to start their offensive attack, Lidström does it all. I felt bad for the planet Earth when Lidström was injured in February, where in his absence the seemingly unstoppable Red Wings actually seemed human. That was because God was no longer skating with them. Sure enough, Nick returned to lead the team through the playoffs, thus becoming the first European to ever Captain a Stanley Cup team. I am not worthy to even write about this man, but I try anyways. Zetterberg took home the Conny, but one could have just as easily given it to Lidström. His ability to subtly control the game is unreal. I seem to be rambling, and to conclude things let me state that I, as a heterosexual man, would have no problem making out with Lidström if he were to ever ask me.
Goaltender: Marty Turco (Dallas Stars)
Morrow and Robidas helped the Stars reach the Western Conference Finals, but ultimately it all came down to the Rabid Wolverince Turco. His performance in the 4 OT game against San Jose was the stuff of a Roy, Brodeur, or Barasso. He was that brilliant. Consistently the best player on Dallas night in and night out, Turco showed why he is one of the top five goalies in the NHL. If he saw it, he stopped it. With the exception of Holmström sticking his fat Swedish ass in Turco's face, he was undaunted in leading his Stars where they had not been since 2000. Osgood has the cup, but Turco was the best goalie in this years playoffs.
Well folks, that concludes the first annual selection of the Anti-Roenick squad. See y'all at the NHL draft (or sooner).
Left Wing: Henrik Zetterberg (Detroit Red Wings)
As you may know, Zäta won the Conn-Smyth trophy for playoff MVP, and he was absolutely the right choice. He is not only one of the top five forwards in the NHL, but he is the most well-rounded forward in the entire league. He excels in any situation on and off the ice. His intelligence, shot, vision, hustle, and intensity (just look at his fucking eyes) are the qualities for which every player should strive.
Center: Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh Penguins)
He is the most talented player in the NHL. Period. Some like to disparage him by labeling him as soft. Those people are dumbshits. When Sid's team was faltering against Detroit, Crosby raised his game even higher playing with a sense of ferocity that very few players in the NHL could duplicate (especially Roenick). Many also question his captaincy at such a young age. Wrong again. He's the leader on that team both on and off the ice. On the ice his skill speaks for itself, off the ice no player is forced to partake in more meaningless interviews and stupid marketing ploys than Crosby. He handles both situations like a stud. Make no mistake about it, he is and will be the best player in the NHL for the next ten years. He's 20 years old by the way.
Right Wing: Brenden Morrow (Dallas Stars)
Of all the players to be selected to the Anti-Roenick all-star team, this guy is my personal favorite. He's probably the least skilled (his career high for points in a season is only 74), but the dude is simply a bad ass. Is there a coincidence that once Dallas stripped the Captaincy from Mickey Modano and awarded it to the much younger and more charismatic Morrow that the collective play of the team improved? Nope. Morrow has gotta be considered one of the top three leaders in hockey along with Lidström and Iginla. He's the kind of player (who for all you that have played sports) whose fearless play on the ice inspires you to attempt to replicate it. He's the classic example of why good ol' Western Canadian boys are the ones who lead you to glory. All this talk about Morrow's leadership abilities, and I've yet to mention just how awesome of a power forward he has become. Morrow is the epitome of the modern day power forward. He has the skating, hitting, and fearlessness of a champ, and combined with his awesome fitness and drive he is an absolute force out there. Here's one of my favorite clips of 5'10" 200 lbs of Canadian bad-ass Morrow drilling 6'2" 225 lbs of Euro-pussy Michalek.
You just got knocked the fuck out!
Left Defenseman: Stéphane Robidas (Dallas Stars)
What is so great about the NHL playoffs among other things, is that unlike any other sport, an unexpected player can become a hero. There is no better example of this than Robidas. With the Boucher and Zubov out, Robidas raised his game to another level. Robidas amassed a rather pedestrian 26 points in 82 regular season game, yet nearly doubled that production by producing 11 points in 18 playoff contests. The offense was great, but Dallas always put Robidas out there against the other teams top stars--the Getzlafs, Thorntons, Zetterbergs, and Datsyuks of the world, and he still managed to play incredibly well. It was pleasure to watch him surprise the world in these playoffs.
Right defenseman: Nicklas Lidström (Detroit Red Wings)
Nicklas Erik Lidström was born in Västerås, Sweden, where it was reported that he had sex before his father did. Simply put, Lidström is God. In fact, perhaps the phrase should be reversed such that God is Lidström. Tall, blond, Swedish, God may even have created himself in Lidström's image. If you do not know who this man is, he is positively one of the top three defenseman to ever play in the NHL. He's Captain of the Anti-Roenick squad, he's arguably the best player in the NHL. In short, he has no flaws. If you don't believe a clown like myself, just ask his teammates who called Lidström, "The Perfect Player." Yes, Perfect. They are absolutely correct. No player controls a game like Nick. He is the key to everything the Red Wings do, whether it effortlessly controlling his own zone or making the perfect outlet pass to start their offensive attack, Lidström does it all. I felt bad for the planet Earth when Lidström was injured in February, where in his absence the seemingly unstoppable Red Wings actually seemed human. That was because God was no longer skating with them. Sure enough, Nick returned to lead the team through the playoffs, thus becoming the first European to ever Captain a Stanley Cup team. I am not worthy to even write about this man, but I try anyways. Zetterberg took home the Conny, but one could have just as easily given it to Lidström. His ability to subtly control the game is unreal. I seem to be rambling, and to conclude things let me state that I, as a heterosexual man, would have no problem making out with Lidström if he were to ever ask me.
Goaltender: Marty Turco (Dallas Stars)
Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan
The leaders and best!
Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan,
The champions of the West!
-Michigan Fight Song
Morrow and Robidas helped the Stars reach the Western Conference Finals, but ultimately it all came down to the Rabid Wolverince Turco. His performance in the 4 OT game against San Jose was the stuff of a Roy, Brodeur, or Barasso. He was that brilliant. Consistently the best player on Dallas night in and night out, Turco showed why he is one of the top five goalies in the NHL. If he saw it, he stopped it. With the exception of Holmström sticking his fat Swedish ass in Turco's face, he was undaunted in leading his Stars where they had not been since 2000. Osgood has the cup, but Turco was the best goalie in this years playoffs.
Well folks, that concludes the first annual selection of the Anti-Roenick squad. See y'all at the NHL draft (or sooner).
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The life saver.
Let's face it, this blog is on life support; however, with my new found ability to embed youtube videos within blog posts, the future looks promising.
To celebrate, here is a video of Roenick getting his ass kicked.
On to hockey. Is Pittsburgh losing to Detroit a surprise? Not to us at Release Roenick, afterall, it was us who welcomed Pittsburgh into the exclusive club of teams that suck so bad, that Roenick beat them. Seriously, no team eliminated by Roenick deserves to hoist the Cup, right?
To celebrate, here is a video of Roenick getting his ass kicked.
On to hockey. Is Pittsburgh losing to Detroit a surprise? Not to us at Release Roenick, afterall, it was us who welcomed Pittsburgh into the exclusive club of teams that suck so bad, that Roenick beat them. Seriously, no team eliminated by Roenick deserves to hoist the Cup, right?
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Roenick re-signed
Sharks have brought back this douchebag for one more season at one year, one mil. I cannot wait. Not.
We'll see you in the fall, dipshit.
We'll see you in the fall, dipshit.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Roe-nicked
First it was Chicago (sort of).
Today it was Pittsburgh (for sure).
I'd like to the be first to welcome the Penguins into the very exclusive:
"We-suck-so-bad-that-Roenick-scored-the-game-winning-goal-against-us" Club.
San Jose carries on. Anyone else as excited as I am about the possibility of opening against Anaheim in the first round? Talk about an ass-kicker of a series. You wanna be the best, gotta beat the best. No better way to do that than to take them on at the get-go.
Today it was Pittsburgh (for sure).
I'd like to the be first to welcome the Penguins into the very exclusive:
"We-suck-so-bad-that-Roenick-scored-the-game-winning-goal-against-us" Club.
San Jose carries on. Anyone else as excited as I am about the possibility of opening against Anaheim in the first round? Talk about an ass-kicker of a series. You wanna be the best, gotta beat the best. No better way to do that than to take them on at the get-go.
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