Release Jeremy Roenick

Viva La Roenick

2008-09-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

As I heard that song 'Viva La Vida' by the British band Hotwork for the 2431212th time today on the radio, I did something different for once. Rather than change the station, I stayed intent on actually listening to the lyrics of those foreign bastards.

If I may take a minute to detour, I feel the genius of bands such as Hotwork is their ability to create this facade to the public that their songs have some intricate and deep meaning with cute Biblical references and odd fragments, when in reality their music is incredibly simple to understand, thereby causing the listener to feel like he or she has just translated this musical masterpiece and is on his or her way to becoming some type of guru. I merely mention this because after listening to 'Viva La Vida,' I could not help but think that I now fully understood its meaning.

In short, the song describes a man, a King (do we capitalize this?) of sorts, who after achieving a great success in his early life and building some type of empire, falls victim to this success and soon becomes hated by many (do you see where this is going?), and is forced to die alone with nothing. Now, Saint Peter for those of you who may not know, was one of the 12 or so Apostles of Jesus, who among other things is often said to have the keys to heaven. Returning to Hotwork's masterpiece, one can only conclude that the songs protagonist is about to or is already dead and will not receive a facebook invite into heaven, and thus will be sent down to a WNBA game, I mean hell, sorry.

If you've managed to stay with me for this long, and if I were you, I would have X'ed this window a while back, you may ask yourself who does self-righteous douchebag think
he is questioning the musical greatness of Hotwork and pretending like he actually knows something about the contents of the New Testament? Is it not bad enough that he does the same thing about something much more important, hockey? And speaking of hockey, what the fuck does any of this have to do with hockey, let alone Roenick?

BWHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

The beauty is that unknown to him at the time, Mr. Martin rather than writing just another moneymaking number one hit, actually wrote a song perfectly describing the career of one Jeremy Roenick.

Let's recap shall we. Roenick, like our protagonist, once had a career full of greatness and potential. Roenick, like our protagonist, gave to himself an undeserved sense of self worth. Roenick, like our protagonist, soon became hated by many and pushed into exile. Roenick, like our protagonist, finds himself on the outside of Hockey's heaven (the Hall of Fame), despite scoring the LAMEST 500th goal in the history of 500 goals as well as trying to steal the spotlight from the rest of the Sharks in their game 7 victory against Calgary. It is my hope that it is now evident that the lyrics of 'Viva La Vida' are actually describing the career of Jeremy Roenick, and that the song may very well be titled, 'Viva La Roenick.' Fuck it, let me try to re-write a verse, eh?

"I used to rule the rink
Fans would rise when I shot the puck
Now in the morning I skate alone
Sit on the bench that I no longer own"

Honestly, I could probably keep going, but am a little too inebriated to do so. So I'll conclude by giving a thank you and fuck you to the men of Hotwork, and remind everyone that Roenick is indeed still an asshole.

Mr. Friese

2008-08-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

The Sharks are reportedly mulling it over as to whether or not it is good idea to invite Jeff Friesen to camp. Friesen played for San Jose for five (maybe six) seasons before being traded to Anaslime as part of a package for Teemu Selänne.

Friesen did not play in the NHL last season. In his last two seasons in which he played in the NHL, he amassed approximately twenty points in 120 games played. Friesen kinda blows. At this point hes nothing more than a 4th liner.

Why does this deserve it's own entry?

Why the Sharks will never win it with Joe Thornton!

2008-06-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

This simple song is the exact reason why unless something within his game changes, San Jose will never win a Cup with Thornton as its marquee player.

The Anti-Roenick Awards

2008-06-16T19:35:00.001-07:00

Yes, ladies (who the fuck am I kidding?) and gentlemen, it is time for the first addition of the perhaps annual "Anti-Roenick Awards." As many of you may know, I hate Jeremy Roenick, thus these awards are meant to encapsulate all the qualities that Roenick lacks, and shall be awarded to the players who in the 2008 NHL Playoffs exhibited these Anti-Roenick Traits. Let us begin.

Left Wing: Henrik Zetterberg (Detroit Red Wings)
As you may know, Zäta won the Conn-Smyth trophy for playoff MVP, and he was absolutely the right choice. He is not only one of the top five forwards in the NHL, but he is the most well-rounded forward in the entire league. He excels in any situation on and off the ice. His intelligence, shot, vision, hustle, and intensity (just look at his fucking eyes) are the qualities for which every player should strive.

Center: Sidney Crosby (Pittsburgh Penguins)
He is the most talented player in the NHL. Period. Some like to disparage him by labeling him as soft. Those people are dumbshits. When Sid's team was faltering against Detroit, Crosby raised his game even higher playing with a sense of ferocity that very few players in the NHL could duplicate (especially Roenick). Many also question his captaincy at such a young age. Wrong again. He's the leader on that team both on and off the ice. On the ice his skill speaks for itself, off the ice no player is forced to partake in more meaningless interviews and stupid marketing ploys than Crosby. He handles both situations like a stud. Make no mistake about it, he is and will be the best player in the NHL for the next ten years. He's 20 years old by the way.

Right Wing: Brenden Morrow (Dallas Stars)
Of all the players to be selected to the Anti-Roenick all-star team, this guy is my personal favorite. He's probably the least skilled (his career high for points in a season is only 74), but the dude is simply a bad ass. Is there a coincidence that once Dallas stripped the Captaincy from Mickey Modano and awarded it to the much younger and more charismatic Morrow that the collective play of the team improved? Nope. Morrow has gotta be considered one of the top three leaders in hockey along with Lidström and Iginla. He's the kind of player (who for all you that have played sports) whose fearless play on the ice inspires you to attempt to replicate it. He's the classic example of why good ol' Western Canadian boys are the ones who lead you to glory. All this talk about Morrow's leadership abilities, and I've yet to mention just how awesome of a power forward he has become. Morrow is the epitome of the modern day power forward. He has the skating, hitting, and fearlessness of a champ, and combined with his awesome fitness and drive he is an absolute force out there. Here's one of my favorite clips of 5'10" 200 lbs of Canadian bad-ass Morrow drilling 6'2" 225 lbs of Euro-pussy Michalek.

You just got knocked the fuck out!

Left Defenseman: Stéphane Robidas (Dallas Stars)
What is so great about the NHL playoffs among other things, is that unlike any other sport, an unexpected player can become a hero. There is no better example of this than Robidas. With the Boucher and Zubov out, Robidas raised his game to another level. Robidas amassed a rather pedestrian 26 points in 82 regular season game, yet nearly doubled that production by producing 11 points in 18 playoff contests. The offense was great, but Dallas always put Robidas out there against the other teams top stars--the Getzlafs, Thorntons, Zetterbergs, and Datsyuks of the world, and he still managed to play incredibly well. It was pleasure to watch him surprise the world in these playoffs.

Right defenseman: Nicklas Lidström (Detroit Red Wings)
Nicklas Erik Lidström was born in Västerås, Sweden, where it was reported that he had sex before his father did. Simply put, Lidström is God. In fact, perhaps the phrase should be reversed such that God is Lidström. Tall, blond, Swedish, God may even have created himself in Lidström's image. If you do not know who this man is, he is positively one of the top three defenseman to ever play in the NHL. He's Captain of the Anti-Roenick squad, he's arguably the best player in the NHL. In short, he has no flaws. If you don't believe a clown like myself, just ask his teammates who called Lidström, "The Perfect Player." Yes, Perfect. They are absolutely correct. No player controls a game like Nick. He is the key to everything the Red Wings do, whether it effortlessly controlling his own zone or making the perfect outlet pass to start their offensive attack, Lidström does it all. I felt bad for the planet Earth when Lidström was injured in February, where in his absence the seemingly unstoppable Red Wings actually seemed human. That was because God was no longer skating with them. Sure enough, Nick returned to lead the team through the playoffs, thus becoming the first European to ever Captain a Stanley Cup team. I am not worthy to even write about this man, but I try anyways. Zetterberg took home the Conny, but one could have just as easily given it to Lidström. His ability to subtly control the game is unreal. I seem to be rambling, and to conclude things let me state that I, as a heterosexual man, would have no problem making out with Lidström if he were to ever ask me.

Goaltender: Marty Turco (Dallas Stars)

Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan
The leaders and best!
Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan,
The champions of the West!
-Michigan Fight Song

Morrow and Robidas helped the Stars reach the Western Conference Finals, but ultimately it all came down to the Rabid Wolverince Turco. His performance in the 4 OT game against San Jose was the stuff of a Roy, Brodeur, or Barasso. He was that brilliant. Consistently the best player on Dallas night in and night out, Turco showed why he is one of the top five goalies in the NHL. If he saw it, he stopped it. With the exception of Holmström sticking his fat Swedish ass in Turco's face, he was undaunted in leading his Stars where they had not been since 2000. Osgood has the cup, but Turco was the best goalie in this years playoffs.

Well folks, that concludes the first annual selection of the Anti-Roenick squad. See y'all at the NHL draft (or sooner).

The life saver.

2008-06-01T13:25:00.001-07:00

Let's face it, this blog is on life support; however, with my new found ability to embed youtube videos within blog posts, the future looks promising.

To celebrate, here is a video of Roenick getting his ass kicked.

On to hockey. Is Pittsburgh losing to Detroit a surprise? Not to us at Release Roenick, afterall, it was us who welcomed Pittsburgh into the exclusive club of teams that suck so bad, that Roenick beat them. Seriously, no team eliminated by Roenick deserves to hoist the Cup, right?

Roenick re-signed

2008-05-31T16:17:00.000-07:00

Sharks have brought back this douchebag for one more season at one year, one mil. I cannot wait. Not.

We'll see you in the fall, dipshit.

Roe-nicked

2008-02-24T22:00:00.001-08:00

First it was Chicago (sort of).

Today it was Pittsburgh (for sure).

I'd like to the be first to welcome the Penguins into the very exclusive:
"We-suck-so-bad-that-Roenick-scored-the-game-winning-goal-against-us" Club.

San Jose carries on. Anyone else as excited as I am about the possibility of opening against Anaheim in the first round? Talk about an ass-kicker of a series. You wanna be the best, gotta beat the best. No better way to do that than to take them on at the get-go.

Enough is Enough

2008-02-18T21:02:00.001-08:00

Nota Bene: If you take issue with the words fuck, fucking, or mother fucking, just close the browser and go back to browsing the facebook, or something.

"Enough is enough, I've had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane. Now everybody strap in. I'm about to open some fucking windows." - Special Agent Neville Flynn.

Yes, that is a quote from the memorable film Snakes on a Plane, starring Samuel L. Jackson, Keenen from Keenen and Kel, and that really ugly bitch from Kingpin.

For those who have been watching this team all season, the quote selection should seem logical. Enough is fucking enough. We've had it watching this mother fucking team play night in and night out like they are asleep. We've had it with this mother fucking coach and his dumb mother fucking decisions. We've had it with this mother fucking general manager and his mother fucking inability to eye talent and more importantly construct a mother fucking hockey team. We've had it with these mother fucking owners, and their mother fucking inability to make the necessary financial decisions to yield a winning hockey club.

Enough.Is.Enough.

Let's start with "this mother fucking team." Oh, where to begin. Where to fucking begin. It all starts, and it all ends with the goalie in this great game. Fortunately, San Jose has pretty damn good goalie in the form of Evegeni Nabokov. He has single-handedly at times not only kept this team in games, but even managed to win a few for the losers (such as Roenick) playing in front of him. He has also started in 58 of the 59 games this season. It is starting to show. The last two weeks have been his worst of the season, and he simply like the top five goalie he was through much of the season. We'll excuse him for now, as without him, this team is no where.

Now the defense. Pundits around the league love to praise this group for the very few amount of goals which they have allowed this season. Observers of the Sharks know better. We know that while Ehrhoff has the tools and is using them more and more in his own zone, he simply lacks the brain or hockey intelligence so that he will not be considered a liability. We know that while Rivet has played his ass off, and is the kind of ass-kicker this team is lacking, he is way over his head attempting to fill the roll of a number one or number two defensmen. We know that while Vlasic is a very nice young player on defense, his inability to throw a check and move his man off the puck leaves a lot to be desired, and that while he could become a low end number two defenseman in this league, he is not the future number one blue liner this team needs. We know that Matt Carle is a mother fucking joke. End of story. We know that Murray will become exposed horribly should this team make the playoffs, and lastly we know that Ozolinsh is probably getting faded as I right this pathetic entry. Lastly, we all know that despite the recent increase in scoring by our blue-liners, this team lacks a defensmen who can make an outlet pass out of his own zone to start the non-existent transition game, a defenseman who can fire the puck hard and accurately on net with consistency, and a defenseman who knows how to read the play and jump in when necessary. Basically: the defensive corp is flawed both offensively and defensively. They require that the forwards hang back to cover up their weaknesses, yet at the same time they do not have the offense to overcome this defensive minded play by the forwards. Bummer, eh? Mother fuckers...

Now the forwards. They are the ones who make us yell profanities more often than not. They are the ones who are responsible for San Jose having among the lowest goal total in the entire NHL. Outside of Joe Thornton, they can all pretty much go to hell. Cheechoo cannot skate, and he is not working hard enough to overcompensate this, Michalek cannot finish, and is too inconsistent, and our Captain is just having a case of Mondays that has lasted the entire season. I only mention those four, because ultimately they are the ones who make the offense go. If they do not produce, it does not matter what the others do. Speaking of the others, not only can they not hit anyone, they also cannot score. Checking line anyone? Not on this team. It's a real tragedy when Roenick, Jeremy fucking Roenick has the biggest onions of any forward. Some would like to give the forwards a pass, as they have been forced to adapt this defensive style of collapsing deeply into their own zone, and also have not been able to form any sense of rhythm with their linemates, as the lines are changed seemingly every game. I am not one of those people. If you are offensively crippled, like so many of San Jose's forwards are, then you best work three times as hard as your opponent, you best sacrifice the body to create a play, and you MUST hit your oppoenent so that his offensive game lowers to your level. Simple right? Not for the Sharks "grinders." Instead, we get Marcel Goc, Grier, Rissmiller. Give me a fucking break. Those are not hockey players...

To recap thus far
1) Goaltending: Carried the team thus far, starting to falter.
2) Defensemen: Weak in their own zone, do not provide the offensive ability to "make up" for these shortcomings
3) Forwards: All but one are slumping, overall scoring talent is piss poor, never saw a check they would not throw, have the smallest testis of any set of forwards in the NHL.

I have no energy to type anymore, and if you remember, I said there were four mother fucking problems with this team: personnel, coach, general manager, owners. One down, three to go. Another day.

Second Half Blues

2008-01-30T12:41:00.000-08:00

In an effort to double the amount of testicular fortitude on the team, the Sharks acquire Jody Shelley. Can't find the video of him sucker punching Brad Stuart on youtube, but if I do, damn would that be a find.

In other news the Sharks are tied for first place in their division, but we all know that that is simply a mirage. Team lacks heart, skill, desire, leadership, coaching, etc etc.

Roenick started off the season so well, that I thought about canceling this blog altogether, and going in a different direction. Fortunately for me, after Roenick scored goal #500 of his career, his production his since ceased. With 9 points in 5 weeks, Roenick was on it; however, once that asshole got #500, his production has fallen with only 9 points 10 weeks or so.

In short, the blog stays active, Roenick's a douchebag, and more misanthropic writing to follow.

Fuck you Dan Foutz

2007-09-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Dear ABC,
When there is an important college football game between two very competitive teams, do not have an alumnus of one of the schools (Oregon) doing the play-by-play.

Thanks, Michael

What a fucking joke. Pretty gutty win by the Bears though...

Fuck you Roenick?

The origin

2007-09-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

This is the first of a two part series in which I shall be presenting a historical time line of the career Jeremy Roenick. The thing that many newer fans to the game (myself included) may not realize, is that at one point, at one point, Roenick was not all that bad. In fact, he was pretty fucking good; however, once Jeremy left the city of Chicago, something changed, namely the skills of Roenick. While he was still "good" by many peoples standards, he was not even close to the player who wore number 27 for the Chicago Blackhawks.

Let's jump into the Pensieve and take a trip back in time shall we?

The year is 1988. Jeremy Roenick is about to start his professional career in the NHL. Below are the meaningful statistics taken from Roenick's first eight years in the league, while playing for the Chicago Blackhawks.

SEASON	Team	GP	G	A	PTS	+/-	PP	SH	GW	GT
1988-89	Chicago	20	9	9	18	4	2	0	0	0
1989-90	Chicago	78	26	40	66	2	6	0	4	0
1990-91	Chicago	79	41	53	94	38	15	4	10	1
1991-92	Chicago	80	53	50	103	23	22	3	13	0
1992-93	Chicago	84	50	57	107	15	22	3	3	3
1993-94	Chicago	84	46	61	107	21	24	5	5	1
1994-95	Chicago	33	10	24	34	5	5	0	1	0
1995-96	Chicago	66	32	35	67	9	12	4	2	2

If I am not objective in my hatred for Roenick, than I am nothing. Hence, I give credit where credit is due. Look at those numbers. Particularly the '92-'94 seasons, Roenick was not just good, he was fucking dynamic. In '92, not only was he a plus player (if you score 100 points and are not a plus player then you must be Marc Savard), of his 53 goals, nearly 1/4 of them were goals that put his team up once and for all. That is clutch people. Now don't get me wrong, Roenick was still sucking cock off the ice, but on the ice, the dude was dominating. He averaged over a point a game for six years in a row. It's more than just the stats, which were impressive in and of themselves, it's the way he carried himself. Roenick's passion and dedication to his craft were admirable. He worked hard, stuck up for himself, defended teammates, agitated the opponent, while posting such spectacular numbers. Essentially, he did it all. If Captain Unibrow, no, Captain Dickless, I mean Captain Marleau played with the passion and aggression that good 'ol JR did, perhaps our Sharks would have made it past the second round in the last two seasons, eh?

Oh, you thought I was done lathering Roenick's balls? Wrong. There's more, and with that I present Roenick's playoff stats!!!

1988-89	Chicago	10	1	3	4	0	1	1
1989-90	Chicago	20	11	7	18	-1	4	1
1990-91	Chicago	6	3	5	8	2	1	1
1991-92	Chicago	18	12	10	22	11	4	3
1992-93	Chicago	4	1	2	3	0	0	0
1993-94	Chicago	6	1	6	7	4	0	1
1994-95	Chicago	8	1	2	3	-2	0	0
1995-96	Chicago	10	5	7	12	6	1	1

At age 20, Roenick's Blackhawks made a deep run in the post-season, with Roenick tallying 11 goals and 7 assists. 18 points, 20 games, 20 years old. I'm 20 years old right now, and I'm sitting here (shirts off--fucking heat), writing this blog. Advantage Roenick. There's no faster way to my heart, than performing well in the post-season. Roenick accomplished this, not only at age 20, but for the next two years he continued to average ABOVE a point a game in the playoffs, while leading the Blackhawks to the cup finals (they were swept) in '92. Had they won that year, there is little doubt in my mind, that Roenick and his 22 points and +11 rating would have won the Conn Smyth trophy for playoff MVP. I don't need to summarize the data any further, you can clearly see that this guy was balling at teams when balling was most needed. He followed up his magnificent regular season performances with even better results in a much, much tougher playoff environment. To celebrate his accomplishments with Chicago, I found this awesome clip for your viewing pleasure. Even if you don't want to look at Roenick's ugly mug, the music that accompanies this clip is, let's just say, the stuff of champions...

Admit it, after reading this entry and watching that clip, I've made you a Roenick believer. Don't worry, if this was the Yin the next entry shall be the Yang, and you will absolutely agree that while Roenick had a nice eight year duration in the NHL, he quickly became asshole numero uno.

"If u c Roenick"

2007-09-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

WARNING: After reading this entry, you may think I'm a homosexual--not that there's anything wrong with that, except it is not true in this case. I am going to take a song by the pathetically sad and emo band "Something Corporate" and turn it into my own special melody. For those who are not familiar with the song "If u c Jordan" Here are the lyrics. Note: while I could see how many might think that the "red head bitch" mentioned in the song refers to yours truly, it is not.

"If u c Roenick" by Michael Hates Roenickalot

I have a tale of bitter pointlessness,
For everyone to hear
About this hockey player who I just fucking hate,
And thats just the truth
They say hes playing in San Jose
And as you know
Im all swelled up with rage
Cuz I cant get him out of my mind
If you see Roenick
If you see Roenick
He makes me ill
He makes me ill
Your careers over
Your careers over
And you still wont quit

You tried to wear us down
While playing for our team and man I think that sucks
Nearly cried as I watch you
And you skate round so slow
Did you know you are a jerkoff?
Theres too many of you in this game.

If you see Roenick
If you see Roenick
He makes me ill
He makes me ill
Your careers over
Your careers over
And you still wont quit

You say its competivness but its selfishness
That lead meto this shitty attempt at a song
I'll play it often
Just at least until you're released
You'll stop at nothing to reach 500
And everything up to thats all BS
You tried to brainwash all your teammates

If you see Roenick
If you see Roenick
He makes me ill
He makes me ill
Your careers over
Your careers over
And you still wont quit

Fuck you Roenick
Fuck you Roenick
You make me ill
You make me ill
Your careers over
Your careers over
I dont care if you dye your hair lighter blond
You're still washed up trash.

I'm back, from outer space.

2007-09-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

I've returned to the blogging community, after an extended one-year+ vacation. What's changed? Three Things: 1) blogger gets bought by those corporate assholes over at google 2) blogger ads a new spell check feature (very cool) 3) the Sharks sign ultra douchebag, Jeremy Roenick.

The glass is either half full, of half empty. I prefer the former, personally, unless it's filled with shitty beer or Diet Sprite. But seriously, that famous platitude works perfectly for this situation. On one hand, Sharks fans world wide are stuck with Jeremy Roenick. On the other hand, it has rejuvenated, refueled, renewed, whatever my passion for writing; however, instead of having a nice family blog devoted to the greatest team in the history of sport, I will instead focus most all of my energy in opposition to Roenick, and everything for which he stands.

If you think this is fake, affected scorn towards Roenick, think again. It's been nearly two years since, but I've been against this asshole for a long, long time. Have a look.

http://sharkshockey.blogspot.com/2005/09/please-just-shut-fuck-up-for-once.html

and

http://sharkshockey.blogspot.com/2005_10_01_archive.html (the entry closest to the top).

More to come. Fuck off Roenick.